The Video Game Launch from Hell
The rise and fall and fall and fall of the Dante's Inferno video game.
We’re wrapping up our Dante series with two or three more riffs here. Previously, we had a short story that was very midway through the journey of her life staring a 55-year old widow whose girls have finally left home. We discovered Inferno’s influence on Harry Potter, recognized The Road as Cormac McCarthy’s Inferno, and prior to that we kicked back far enough that our chair plunged into the icy waters of the Inferno in Inception, focusing on the purgation of Christopher Nolan’s dreams.
But today we brave the fires of history’s worst video game launch fiasco. First the story of how I encountered it personally, then of the game’s narrative, and finally the unexpected — and objectively awful — ways EA Sports tried to launch this game…
Late in undergrad one of my old high school buddies told me Dante’s Inferno was coming out. I said something along the lines of, “What do you mean? It’s been out for six hundred years…”
And he said, “No, the video game.”
Sometimes, I’m insufferable to non-literary friends, so I sallied forth, “What is this, a hack and slash meets Diablo set in the nine levels of hell?”
“Yeah buddy.”
“Oh boy, here we go…”
The actual text is not about Dante scything his way through lost souls and demons. At least not in any version I read. However, the video game launch was — like the characters in the original text — destined to high highs and low lows and ended up frozen in its own tears.
EA’s game came out in 2010, not long before I wrote that Mars is Bright article for
’s and Travis Prinzi’s Harry Potter for Nerds in undergrad. Visceral games developed it; EA published it for 360, PlayStation 3, and PS portable. Dante — reimagined as a templar knight — pay no mind to crusading popes suffering for their sins of simony — fights his way through the nine levels of hell to rescue his — *checks notes* — “wife” Beatrice from Lucifer.1As an action-adventure, you use Dante’s scythe for combos and finishers as well as a Holy Cross that shoots out some kind of ranged attack. There’s magic from a mana pool, a quick time event system for exorcisms and—
Hold on.
Can we just pause and meditate on the absurdity of a quick time event system for the same category of magic that took this young dude and this old dude at least two hours?
Anyways.
You collect money, have a skill tree, XP, etc. You gain experience collecting “Absolves.” Which… I suppose there are worse ways to gain experience in a game than a confession / absolution mechanic. Assuming it’s really nonviolence. The bulk of experience comes from absolving history’s most famous damned souls, which parallels the original text, thankfully. There’s a mini game involved. You know, Mario Party, but for the worst sins and crimes in human history! What’s that? You didn’t wake up wanting to speed run the holocaust? Whyever not?
The reward?
More souls and experience as the number of sins collected increases.
Gotta catch them all, you know. It’s the kind of game Calvinists would like: you know, the WASP-y folks for whom the best part of the story is the gated community.
It’s a platformer, a rope swinger, a wall climber something like Prince of Persia. Environment puzzles crop up and reveal hidden passages that lead to Biblical relics you can equip to improve Dante's abilities. I don’t know if Calvin was right about there being enough pieces of the true cross to fill a ship, but were there, we can know two things: the first is that it’s certainly enough to fill this video game character’s mana pool. The second is that Augustine’s comparison of the cross to the ark wasn’t an allegory, but literal. I suppose I’m saying Calvin was wrong about many things and the first two were Augustine and Dante. Perhaps this game is what happens when a recovering WASP game designer riffs on Dante?
The story follows the Siege of Acre. Dante participated (he’s a Templar Knight, remember?) having survived an assassination attempt by a Saracen Assassin and DEATH HIMSELF. (Hey there Mort; Hey there star of The Book Thief). Dante’s condemned to hell for his sins and Beatrice has been murdered and sent to the lord of the underworld.
One second…
I… I think I… yes, I have the soundtrack somewhere in here…
AHA!
Here it is:
Yes, it’s basically a Dante and Orpheus mashup. Which frankly, if there’s anything cool about it, it’s that: a hack and slash Orpheus with the trappings of basically a Calvinist (or Puritan) version of Dante. What’s enlightening about that is how pagan, how fundamentally gnostic or Manichean, it exposes Calvinism to be.
So he starts on his railroad line on the road to hell, blessing a holy cross Beatrice gave him when making their vows. Beatrice gets corrupted by Lucifer who makes her a succubus. Why? Because of Dante’s infidelities after Beatrice begged Lucifer to keep Dante safe overseas. She put her own soul on the line to Lucifer over Dante’s faithfulness.
Of course the real Dante was unfaithful in spirit to Gemma with Beatrice.
Anyways, Dante confronts memories of his past life and sins (something I particularly love since, again, I think Inferno is self-insert torture Virgil fanfic that allows Dante to work out his own issues and sins). This includes his abusive childhood with Alighiero, which caused his mom to — as the kids say these days — unalive herself by rope. So he joins the crusades in exchange for his sins (in-story bishop, nothing to do with the way it actually works in Dante’s real life world). Randomly the lionheart King Richard I (of Robin Hood fame) asks Dante to guard over 3,000 prisoners as ransom in exchange for the True Cross taken by Sultan Saladin. One prisoner is a captive woman that offered her body to Dante for her 'brother'‘s life. Twist: it’s the assassin, her husband. Dante succumbs to a barbarian rage and slaughters the prisoners. When confronted by The Lionheart, Francesco becomes Dante’s fall guy — to the rope with him.
Faced with his sin and lack of confession for the massacre — mindful of Francesco’s scapegoating of him — Dante yields to the gates of hell and gives the holy cross back to Beatrice. Gabriel tells Dante he may well be redeemed…
IF HE CONFRONTS LUCIFER HIMSELF IN THE FINAL CIRCLE: TREACHERY.
I know, you didn’t see that coming at all — neither the text nor EA’s Sony competition God of War could have prepared you:
Lucifer’s down in Lake Cocytus. He used Beatrice as bait hoping Dante would break the Chains of Judecca. Turns out Dante’s already dead, killed by the Saracen Assassin. Lucifer gloats: he’ll lead a second Rebellion of Heaven — Paradise Lost style — to overthrow God. Dante uses the souls he absolved to absolve himself and re-chain Lucifer. Because that’s how salvation works, right? Do enough absolutions and you’re good?. He’s whisked off to Mount Purgatory by Beatrice, removes his original skin-stitched cross tapestry — turned black on his pilgrimage — stating he "did not die, and yet did not live". The black tapestry metamorphs into a snake as Lucifer's laugh echoes. Is Dante done with him?
That’s the story.
It’s fascinating where and when they deal with myths of Hades and Milton and other similar stories.
And yet the gameplay retains that odd sado-masochistic redemption-by-violence that almost all of these games have. It’s something that has always driven me nuts and has inspired a video game I’ve written, but don’t have a team to develop yet. One day the right producer will come along…
But I’ll say here that Rothfuss has always inspired me because he has managed to write multiple Epic Fantasy stories that have absolutely, positively nothing to do with violence. When I encounter a game like this, particularly with salvation involved, it makes me long for more writers like Rothfuss even more.
All of that is not the main reason we’re here. Narrative context in mind, we’re here because of the launch from hell.
Because when they launched this game, EA dumped tons of money into ads that promoted fake services that then accused the user of the sin in question. They offered those who preordered it a special discount:
Electronic Arts and GameStop have a special savings for you on Dante’s Inferno, only available on September 9th. Only on 9/9/09, if you pre-order Dante’s Inferno from GameStop, you’ll get to save $6.66 off the game. …Tomorrow is a numbers game and any which way you look at it, at least you get to save $6.66 off EA’s killer-looking game, Dante’s Inferno.
All in the name of Greed, the next circle of Hell featured on the Dante’s Inferno website. Stop by and descend into the circle of Greed on dantesinferno.com! Remember, on September 9, 2009 only!2
Beyond that, they first staged a fake protest by paid actors who pretended to be fundamentalist Christians:
Says the Times: "The protesters, who came from a church in Ventura County, held signs with slogans such as 'trade in your playstation for a praystation' and 'EA = anti-Christ' as they marched and handed out a homemade brochure that warns, 'a video game hero does not have the authority to save and damn... ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE. and he will not judge the sinners who play this game kindly.'"
Only one problem: the protesters were hired by a viral marketing agency to promote the game, EA spokesperson Holly Rockwood told the Associated Press. The crowd dispersed literature referencing wearesavedgroup.org, a recently-created web site that -- amid many references to "virtual HELL" and "occult iconography" -- heavily promotes trailers for the game, which is due to release early next year.3
That was for limbo? Simony? I have no idea, honestly, the only real backlash from it was from legitimate Christian groups saying, “Hey, we get enough crap for the angry Westboro Baptist heretics, so — respectfully — knock it off?” So it flopped on EA.4
Then they tried for lust, which involved hiring models to dress scantily at Comicon:
In an effort to promote the title at last week's San Diego Comic-Con event, EA decided to run a contest asking showgoers to "commit acts of lust" with any models working at the convention's myriad booths. They were then instructed to submit photos via social networking sites like Twitter or Facebook. The winner would receive "dinner and a sinful night with two hot girls, a limo service, paparazzi and a chest full of booty," while five runners-up would have to make do with a copy of the game, a $240 gift card and assorted game merchandise.
Of course, EA gave themselves an out, noting on the official rules page that "...judges reserve the right, in their sole and absolute discretion, to disqualify any Submissions that are inappropriate for any reason, including without limitation, for depicting or mentioning sex, violence, drugs, alcohol and/or inappropriate language." In other words, don't get crazy while you commit your "acts of lust."
Unfortunately for EA, the gaming community hasn’t responded well. Twitter posts about the marketing effort have been largely negative; tweets to #EAfail have spiked, with many accusing the company of being tasteless, immature and sexist. In turn, those responsible have issued a respectful if unapologetic tweet right back:
"'Commit acts of lust' is simply a tongue-in-cheek way to say take pictures with costumed reps," it reads. "Also, a ‘Night of Lust’ means only that the winner will receive a chaperoned VIP night on the town with the Dante's Inferno reps, all expenses paid, as well as other prizes."5
Then EA mailed $200 checks. To notable gaming bloggers bribing them to write reviews:
"In Dante's Inferno, Greed is a two-headed beast. Hoarding wealth feeds on beast and squandering it satiates the other. By cashing this check you succumb to avarice by hoarding filthy lucre, but by not cashing it, you waste it, and thereby surrender to prodigality. Make your choice and suffer the consequence for your sin. And scoff not, for consequences are imminent."6
…Kotaku's Brian Crecente burned his, and invited EA to donate the money to a good cause. Joystiq's Chris Grant cashed it, but will donate the money to a prominent women's charity in EA's name. 7
Why a women's charity?
... how about this? How about we cash it, and donate all $200 to The White House Project, a nonpartisan, nonprofit organization "that aims to advance women's leadership in all communities and sectors – up to the U.S. presidency – by filling the leadership pipeline with a richly diverse, critical mass of women"? Of course, we'll make the donation in EA's name. It won't make up for Sin to Win, but the road to redemption's got to start somewhere, right?8
EA had already gotten in trouble for wrath, sending brass knuckles to journalists for The Godfather II:
…a set of brass knuckles, mailed to video games journalists together with other goodies including a cigar, a silk handkerchief, and a book of matches. But while it nicely complements the game's mafiosi theme, it also had the unfortunate side-effect of turning recipients of the mailing into criminals, as mere possession of brass knuckles is illegal in many states and can carry hefty penalties.
After blog GamePolitics expressed its consternation, the publisher began a flurry of hush-hush phone calls to arrange the return of the weapons. EA declined to comment beyond expressing a desire to assist journalists in proper disposal of the items.
The GamePolitics response was particularly savory:
In fact, the kit is so cleverly detailed that I almost hate to point out that one other included item - a set of brass knuckles - is illegal in Pennsylvania, where GP is based:
18 Pa.C.S. § 908: Prohibited offensive weapons
(a) Offense defined.--A person commits a misdemeanor of the first degree if, except as authorized by law, he... possesses any offensive weapon.
(c) Definitions
"Offensive weapons." Any bomb, grenade, machine gun, sawed-off shotgun with a barrel less than 18 inches, firearm specially made or specially adapted for concealment or silent discharge, any blackjack, sandbag, metal knuckles... or other implement for the infliction of serious bodily injury which serves no common lawful purpose.
GP: The good news is that I think I'll be able to beat the rap if I can persuade the judge to consider the brass knuckles a curio, since the law does provide an out:
(b) Exceptions.--
(1) It is a defense under this section for the defendant to prove by a preponderance of evidence that he possessed or dealt with the weapon solely as a curio or in a dramatic performance...
Just to be clear, promo materials like this are sent in the course of my work covering games for the Philadelphia Inquirer, not in relation to GamePolitics. EA, clearly, is hoping I will write about The Godfather II for the newspaper.
UPDATE: Stephen Totilo of MTV has also written about unexpectedly receiving the brass knuckles today.
UPDATE 2: We have requested comment from EA on the decision to include brass knuckles in the press kits for the game.9
THEN they did one for the sin of gluttony — a literal meat cake:10
Is that supposed to be someone’s leg? Are those maggots? Which… I mean were it Halloween, that’s pretty good. But still man…
It seems, in the long run, the only sinner in this whole scenario is EA. And I think, given the other cultural riffs on the Commedia, that tells you everything you need to know about the actual text: self-insert Virgil torture fanfic aimed at the purgation, dissolving, and coagulation of the author of the text. Not as a theological tractate on the real nature of the afterlife.
In this case, all it told us is that EA is long overdue for a visit to the confession booth. When they’re done, for their penance they can stop their anti-consumer, anti-competitive practices, pay and treat their employees better, better game quality, and a permanent end to loot boxes.
Postscript —
If this is your first or millionth time here, welcome! Here’s a sampling of the various angles I take when I’m writing about desire:
A short story with audiobook narration about two couples arguing over what kind of kitchen table they want, why, and how it saves their lives (originally sold to the New Haven Review).
A sports data journalism piece arguing that the Brooklyn Dodgers would have been worth far more had they stayed in NYC rather than moving to L.A.
A literary analysis showing that had we paid closer attention, we would have noticed Neil Gaiman confessing to his crimes in his fiction all along.
A mystery/crime graphic novel told in photographs in a world where coffee, not alcohol, was banned during the prohibition — complete with 3rd wave coffee lingo subbing out for drug lingo.
The story behind my desire-focused indie folk single You Still Believe in Me.
The principles of meaning and creating article that sold to The Poet’s Market / Writer’s Digest called “What is a poem? Or ‘How to Think about Writing and Reading Poetry’” for those of you who claim you hate — or don’t understand — poetry.
My vulnerable self-disclosure essay after Dad died entitled Daddy Issues are Overrated.
A Brief History of Science Fiction from Antiquity to 2024, as a timeline.
An academic article on The Nouvelle Théologie of C.S. Lewis and how he should be read as a progressive, resourrcement thinker, and therefore a part of Vatican II.
My short film about the Alaska Center for the Commons.
A longform interview with the hunger strike lawyer and a debunking of many of the urban violence claims.
Again, for the uninitiated, Dante’s wife was Gemma Donati.
The godfather II release is hilarious. What were they thinking??